Striptease

POP MUSIC DEBUNKED

For some ungodly reason, got one of those compilation music CD's recently. In my defense, I used a gift certificate at a store that sells absolute crap, but I had to pick SOMETHING, because I refuse to turn down free stuff. So I got this pop CD, with maybe one or two rock-ish songs on it. I know by this time in my life I'm supposed to be liking music two generations behind my own. And I do to a certain extent. But I also keep in touch with the factory made music that's coming out now. With the exception of Radiohead, everything released this past year was crap. I guess I wanted to prove it to myself, so I got this CD with all these pop artists on it. I listen as Britney, N*Sync, 98 degrees, Destiny's Child, Mya, BBmack, Mandy Moore, and other mickey mouse clubbers try to belt out vocal rifs older than they are. The tracks by 3 doors down and Nine days were slightly overplayed on the radio, so I had no desire to listen to them for the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.00th time. I am, however, a janet jackson fan, and she was the redeeming factor of this ear bleeding experience. I know that makes absolutely no sense, but it's the truth.

I'll give you with 2 stanzas from the pop CD I got. You can decide which is better. If you throw up from reading this, it's not my fault. I warned you.

OR

Heartfelt words, my friends. Let us look at these poetic works of art. one at a time:

The first is from a lonely person, wanting to know why loneliness exists. Is loneliness the torture that our hero must bear upon his soul? Obviously, since he is indeed alone, as stated earlier. Then he asks someone, presumably the person he wants to be with, why he can't be there. Perhaps this is his own fault. He probably missed a train or something and is just hating himself for it. But if you look closely, you will see he is asking for permission from the person. This means that he is being held back by a restraining order; I'd say out of the city limits. Then he finally says that his heart is missing something. This could be life threatening, as missing a part of one's heart, like an aortic arch or left ventricle, can prove fatal. He probably is just realizing this, and knows that he's going to need some monkey donation, pronto.

The second lyrical smattering of bliss is about a female, who is a celebritney. I mean, celebrity. Sorry, fat fingers. Anyway, she's a lucky girl because she's a star. Or perhaps this means she just bought a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. Now, as anyone knows, if you have the money, you can buy a star and be added to the celebrity sidewalk. You have to be an entertainer of somekind, but it's pretty easy. However, this girl is very unhappy for some reason. She cries, three times in a row, with a lonely heart (obviously some advanced medical condition like a heart murmur). This girl goes on to ponder if she's "missin' nothin'" (besides the letter G, I guess), then, "why do the tears come?" (Note: These tears are the ones mentioned during the crying three times part.) I'm guessing that she has everything and is just really happy, thus creating happy tears, like Demi Moore had at the end of Ghost. Either that, or she has a really bad case of pink-eye, and keeps scratching her eyes until they just leak constantly, in sets of three. Whatever the case for the tears, they come at night, which means she is nocturnal. And as we all know, if you are nocturnal, you are either a vampire, an insomniac, or an owl. I'm guessing she's all three. That would explain the heart problem.