Striptease

Palmetto Hotel

So you know those big bugs that are nasty and disgusting that carry germs and will never die even if you pour 15 tons toxic spay on them? ROACHES, yes. Well I have recently run into the cousin of the roach, the palmetto bug.

That's PALMETTO. It sounds like a resort in downtown Beverly Hills, but this bug is no Spago, friends. This bug is almost exactly like the roach, except it FLIES, and it can be HUGE. This flying ability causes an extra bit of panic when you look at the wall and you say, "wow, look at that roa-" and then it files right at you. I nearly swallowed my plaque when it happened to me. Well, I have them in my house, along with a bug that looks like the AT-AT from Star Wars, but that's another story.

I immediately went out and bought roach traps, little black plastic disks that look like really badass Mexican huts, if they were life size, and put them all over the place. I also bought RAID, the roach killer, which also kills Palmetto bugs, the label assured me. This RAID was "country fresh scent," so it would not stink. Well, after stratigically placing all 27 traps around my room and bathroom, I waited with baited breath to see one die, holding my RAID just in case one got the jump on me. Nothing happened. They were toying with me. Those bastards. Well, I let it go, and proceeded to sleep under several layers of blankets, all covering my head and body.

The next day I was on the computer when I saw one crawling up the wall infront of me. How did it get past my traps, I wondered? I quickly grabbed the spray, ready to stryke. Shaking vigourously, I sprayed the bug with my best aim. He must have sensed it coming though, because he moved before it hit him. Instead it hit the top of the computer. As the bug ran away, UP the wall, I reallized that the RAID was not "country fresh scent," but rather "stank ass bug spray" scent. This, plus the fact that he was still alive, did not make me happy. But the bug had to die.

So I sprayed again. And he moved again. Spray..... Move..... We continued this pattern until it became rather familliar. Almost like a dance. Then I hit him with the spray, and he fell off the wall. Obviously wounded and shaken up from the fall, the little prick had to take a second to get his torso turned around. Well, it didn't take Kafka to understand that if he turned around, I might lose this oppourtunity. So I pressed my finger down on the pink plastic button for what seemed like a few seconds. He was still twitching. I eventually got my nerve up and used my foot to crunch the life out of him. This did not work however, and so I sprayed more, much closer to him than the recommended 7 inch distance. Finally, after many a twitch, he died.

As he lay in the large pool of Country fresh RAID juice, I began to feel a bit bad for the poor thing. I had just ended his life. What if someone came out of the sky and sprayed me with supposedly "fresh" smelling spray, I thought. But then I was okay with it. I realized that like the disgusting spider, I too was doing my part in the grand circle of life* . I was just keeping my promise to mother nature to rid the evolutionary ladder of the little Palmetto bugs that came along. I think I'm doing a good job. Recently, I killed one with the tip of my housemate's umbrella. The little black roach traps have not worked for me yet, so I think I might redesign it for a life size model and sell the plans to Mexico. They have plenty of roaches there anyway.

-chris