Striptease

Happy Fourth of July.

(written July 5th, 2001)

I got to see some pretty kickin' fireworks last night (on the 3rd...for some odd reason) right on the beach. I noticed all the little kids smiling at everything, and people from all backgrounds, races, gender, looking up at the sky for twenty minutes, putting every other thought aside and focusing on the show. It made me really appreciate that the patriotism of this country all boils down to people watching sh*t explode into pretty lights.

now honestly, how can any other country beat that? Well I have some thoughts about it. Since watching things explode is more HUMAN than just AMERICAN, I figure all other countries need to do is find their own things to explode. The U.S., for example, have rockets because we're cool. Canada should blow up maple trees. France should make pastries explode in the air (bread would also work). England could explode tea, or scones, or members of Oasis. Japan could blow up Pokemon toys, Toyotas, or anything built by Sony. Mexico could just blow up itself...that'd be pretty cool.

But the U.S. still needs help. We've invented microchips smaller than fingernails, talking computers, cheap cotton shirts, and overpriced coffee chains, but we can't improve a freakin' FIREWORK? I mean, there has been little improvement to the various things a firework can do. It either makes a loud boom, fizzles out, crackles, whizzes around, splits apart, or just dies out. I want fireworks that spell out things, like "USA frikkin' ROCKS!!" or "Buy more Beer" or "This show is sponsored by Pepsi." I want fireworks that explode into animations of dancing bears and ice-skating penguins. I'd like to see a firework array that creates the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, with God and Adam holding sparklers.

These things are not too much to ask, Mr. Dubya.

I mean, if people can invent stuff like Orange Clean and Windows 2000, why can't they invent fireworks that explode into South Park characters? Priorities, people!

anyway, I hope everyone in this country has a good day, and I hope the rest of you do too. And to the Canadians along the U.S. border, don't worry, we're NOT invading... it's only people exploding rockets for no purpose other than to watch them be pretty for a few seconds.